I sit here wanting to write. Or maybe just thinking I must write. It’s actually both and much more. Who can catalog all the influences behind a single wailing impetus? It’s never one stream but many. I’ve gone pretty deep, explored many pathways in this convoluted psyche, but not nearly enough to encompass all influences — yet.
How does one pick a topic from the galaxy of possibilities? Which star, even if not the brightest or most brilliant, is truly within reach? If so, what’s the best path to get there? At the moment, I don’t know.
I’m just not feeling it. Certainly some aspect of this inner cosmos wants to write. But if I’m going to write, I want to share something of significance. I want to make a contribution to others. At the moment, I can’t. Or so it seems.
I’m reminded of something I read recently. Another survivor (Thank you,
) was discussing her process, and from that I realized that maybe it isn’t always about what my background impetus has been — writing polished and eloquent prose carefully crafted to change the world. Though her writing is certainly doing its part.Instead, maybe it’s about sharing unfiltered thoughts and feelings, the highs and lows, the abrupt bumps and hairpin curves of navigating day to day life. So that inspires me in this moment to attempt something similar.
’s exact quote is, “Now I wonder, what if I just put it all down, as it is? What if I stop trying to make sense, and write the truth, from my heart, as it arises each day clear and fresh? What if I welcomed all the fragments of my self as the brilliant legacy of a survivor.” What if, indeed! Please do read the post.
I almost never write anything that I expect to be read by others without considering them in some way. What’s the point? Why else would others read it!? Plus, I enjoy sharing things that could help others. I hear others say it’s just about writing whatever you want. But if that’s “whatever I want” to write, how is that not also OK?
As far as I can recall, since my recovery began, it’s always been this way. In AA, they say, “You have to give it away to keep it.” Absolutely! And … I’m like a child showing off colorful beach glass gleaned from rocky ocean shores or an archaeologist exhuming invaluable treasures from beneath ancient volcanoes. Everyone has such treasures. Not everyone recognizes them or knows how and where to look.
Those bits of colored glass are genuine jewels.
I wonder if the real difference writing advisors are trying to convey is to write from my reference point, not to that of a reader. But to me, it seems much the same. I suspect there is some finer point I’m missing in this. And yet, to write posts strictly for myself doesn’t compute. That’s what journaling is for. That jumbled gibberish doesn’t even always make sense to me! Coherence sometimes takes a while.
Sharing something special, something meaningful, something beautiful to me is a way of caring. I can’t say I care. But I can show it. I can’t offer help overtly. But I can share what has helped me so others can pick from that buffet of options something that serves them as well.
Maybe I want to be seen. But I’ve spent literal decades practicing invisibility. Limelight is nowhere on my list of priorities. However, being seen by those I want to see me, people with heart behind their vision — well, they are like me enough to see through my invisibility cloaks anyway. Rather than criticize or be offended, they’re far more likely to admire the skill and the effort it took to master it.
As an intention, I’d love others to see themselves in ways that promote their authentic self-awareness and long-term well-being.
The purpose behind my purpose is to share with the intention that others recognize a resonance, to experience connection within themselves in some mutually meaningful way.
If they do, then we’ll naturally find ourselves in the same bubble where they’ll get a discreet head nod and a “you rock!” thumbs up. To me, this is authentic connection. Someone in my writing circle said they felt my writing created space for connection. That warmed my heart. I hadn’t seen it that way before.
I never want to be an “influencer.” (spitting bitter taste). I’d rather be a remind-er, a notice-er, an appreciate-er and share that with others so we can revel in that appreciation together.
I can’t always know what is meaningful to others. But I can know and share what is meaningful to me. As a writer, seems to me that’s the point. And I can trust that precious others, my kindred, will find it meaningful and beautiful as well.
Beautiful writing, J! Thank you for sharing my work within your own, I love how what we write can inspire others and vice versa.
I really get that feeling of uncertainty or missing some obvious point…like, I’ve had all these huge experiences and lessons, but what am I here to do, exactly? But I also want to say it seems that you aren’t missing anything - these few lines sum it all up: ‘I’d rather be a remind-er, a notice-er, an appreciate-er’
How you serve is unique to you, have faith in that and in yourself ❤️❤️
You *are* those things. Hope