Self-Validation

A Candid Rant leads to Blatant Badassery!

Photo by Small Group Network on Unsplash

The only thing worse than the flashback that knocked me into oblivion was the actual event I found myself reliving. Afterward, I felt like an empty shell in an infinite void with nothing to cling to and no reference point for finding a way out. I had to find my bearings! I had to get back on track! As a result, trauma recovery became the focal point of my existence since 2012.

The important part is that the flashback fundamentally altered my identity. Or perhaps, it made my previously hidden actual condition blatantly apparent. It brought with it entirely different mindsets and reference points for relating to the outer world. It was like a terrified 8 year old essentially took over this adult body attempting to function in world where he neither belonged nor wanted to be involved. Little did I realize at the time, it wasn’t just a traumatized child pulling the strings behind the scenes. Dissociation and dissociative identity is fascinating, puzzling … and often very inconvenient.

Previous adult priorities like generating income, relationship involvement, and other grown up stuff disappeared from view. Managing symptoms of random, intense anxiety attacks, depression, dissociation, self-loathing, bitterness, regret, isolation, weird physical aches and pains became the daily agenda.

Eventually I got help. Therapy, support groups and classes, and corresponding in online survivor forums all helped me gain my bearings. Thank you particularly, pandys.org. There are others as well.

Still, progress was slow, tedious, and often invisible for months at a time. I kept pressing on because, well – I don’t actually know. Something within kept slogging forward. I’m glad it did.

I often read about the importance of self-validation. I needed to be able to see my value, my strengths, my beneficial attributes, and focus on them. I don’t know if others find this task nearly impossible while mired in the depths of depression, racked with anxiety, and constantly dissociating, but I surely did.

Since I felt psychologically very much like a child, I began to ponder all that I had missed as a child. As I sat in a trauma recovery class, near the front row, pen poised in anticipation over a fresh notbook, the therapist asked us to recall a time when we were the happiest we’d ever been.

Frustrated and further disheartened, I dropped the pen and slumped both literally and figuratively. I could recall no such time – not even happy, must less happiest. The best I could conjure was the tentative and temporary relief felt between danger zones. But that was still in a rancid atmosphere of knowing that safety was crap shoot at best.

They say in psychology that we must have certain traits and attitudes reflected to us as children for proper development.

That would include acceptance, validation, respect, and a whole host of other goodies. Yeah, those weren’t on the menu in my environment, certainly not in quantities that would have made any difference.

In my late 20s, a few years into addictions recovery, I got the courage to ask the dad why he had always been so harshly critical of me. Seemingly shocked, he said, “I was trying to encourage you!” Hmm. Yeah, well, news for you, old man … scornfully calling me worthless throughout my formative years was NOT helpful. Explain to me how a lifetime of berating anything encourages it’s growth. You didn’t denigrate the garden or the dog, “Dad,” so why me?

This brings me to a central problem that plagued most of my early trauma recovery. What do you do when you have no outer examples of real love, validation, care? What if the internal reference point is non-existent or so buried that it’s inaccessible? We’re not talking about actions, here. We’re talking about presumably internal feelings, states of being. How am I supposed to “self” anything with absolutely no idea what that feels like?! I can say, “I love me” or “I matter” until my lips fall off. If I don’t feel it, it has no benefit.

Those experts are asking someone whose life has been dedicated to shame-saturated threat avoidance to suddenly act as if everything was hunky dory. Were they suggesting that these things that they’ve already established as needing to be reflected in childhood, would, somehow, as an adult, suddenly magically appear?!

Like, you’re an adult now so we’re going to treat you as if you had an ideal childhood where you got all your needs met and properly resourced — never mind we’re treating you for the adverse consequences of not getting those needs met. This is only one of many glaring contradictions that I’ve attempted to reconcile. It’s possible but the directions aren’t on the back of a cereal box.

It’s like expecting me to instantly know the magical formulas of quantum physics without ever learning basic math. This makes no freaking sense! They may have started at ground level, so they spoke to those they could see on that plain, but I’m starting at the bottom of the Mariana Trench. The view — and the rules — are a little different down here. There’s no light at these depths and the pressure is considerably higher.

So there I was again, caught in this existential dilemma. I have to do something I have no reference point for doing. I can’t time travel back to childhood. I can’t somehow magically teach the parents how to properly raise a child they should never have bought (er, I mean, adopted) in the first place, so I can then be able to self-whatever-is-required to function like an adequately resourced adult human today.

Here’s a suggestion. Why don’t those who treat childhood abuse survivors go ahead and temporarily reflect to us what we didn’t get as a child? I get not wanting to risk some kind of emotional entanglement. Would it be so hard to demonstrate care, consideration, respect, validation – and affirm self-responsibility? And make sure we know that’s what you’re doing?

I mean, to hypervigilance, kindness is invisible. You’ll have to point it out. Of course, to a shame-saturated psyche, genuine care can feel threatening, even painful.

Surely you can keep your professional distance and say the occasional, “good job!” Or, “Hey, that’s a pretty good coping skill!” Or, “I like the way you took initiative there!” Or, “Hey, you’re really good at that.” How about a simple, “You matter. I care. I’m here for you.” (Yes, I get that much of this could be misinterpreted. So maybe just ask what I’m about to suggest shortly.)

What if you not only listened to our difficulties but regularly affirmed our strength, resilience, abilities? I mean, it all pays the same, doesn’t it? I admit I’m not a therapist. Even so, I’ve interacted with hundreds of childhood trauma survivors over the years. The vast majority had their self-responsibility gene fully activated. Besides, many of us are hardwired to never trust, much less depend on anyone. We want to do it ourselves. We just need to know precisely how!

Why not teach things like appropriate self-care? And please, please, please not just bubble baths and herbal tea! UGH! I’m sure that’s great for some, but I will never, EVER take another bath again if I can avoid it! Showers work just fine. And if they don’t know how or can’t teach appropriate self-care, then why not point us in the direction of someone who can?

Maybe it’s different for others, but in my world, most past therapists didn’t do much of that – even when I asked them! This is where I had to take the initiative (and encourage others to do likewise), to find trusted people, perhaps fellow survivors, who understand the importance and are happy to offer sincere affirmation and validation of our experience and our progress.

Maybe the average, well-adjusted adults don’t need this. But adult survivors of childhood abuse likely do … at least for a little while, until that self-affirming attitude can become firmly integrated. I know it isn’t necessarily quick or easy. After all, I have a lifetime of self-inflicted and outwardly imposed exact-opposite-of-helpful bullshit to overcome. But with compassionate support, it’s much easier to catch on.

The way I’m wired, I need to feel something to recognize and understand it.

I’m reminded of when I took drivers ed. My instructor was an amazing teacher. As I practiced driving, he calmly pointed out ways I could improve. Not blaming or criticizing, just sharing. He suggested I relax when he noticed how tightly I gripped the steering wheel. When I used the turn signal to change lanes (yes, all cars have them!), he pointed out that I didn’t have to push the lever all the way. I could push it half way and it would still engage the blinker. That way, I didn’t have to then push the lever the other way to make it stop. He also taught me how to feel my speed, gauge it by sight and sound, rather than obsess over the speedometer. I didn’t ask these questions. I didn’t know to ask! He merely observed and corrected … because he cared and wanted me to understand. Plus, and this is a big plus: he wanted to make things better for me, not merely to comply.

On the one hand, admitting a massive deficit in childhood development feels embarrassing. Maslow’s Hierarchy of Needs looks more like a long list of luxuries to me. On the other hand, if I’m to recover, I have to be honest with myself about what my actual needs are. It’s not too much to ask of myself or of those willing and able to help. And the effort is worth it.

Because after a time, with consistent validation and support, I was eventually able to honestly, comfortably admit and even celebrate certain skills, abilities, and jobs well done. Though still not 100%, building this foundation, which ideally should have occurred in childhood, is what allows me to be on this platform sharing as I do today. It may not be for everyone, but I know for certain others have benefited from my efforts so far. It’s a legacy I want to continue for ages to come.

If you find yourself struggling with self-validation, and want to get the hang of it quicker, consider finding those trustworthy, compatible others who, like my drivers ed instructor, can do so for you and with you until you can embody the concept for yourself.

• It may start with getting comfortable with compliments. Maybe make arrangements with someone to receive one sincere compliment per day or week. OR give yourself compliments as often as you can. (If you resist accepting sincere compliments, pay close attention to the thoughts that arise. Be willing to negate the negating beliefs and give the truth a chance. See how those compliments are indeed valid. Remember, sincere compliments have no strings attached.

• It might start with making a list of things you know you’re good at. You are definitely good at something, even if that something is ignoring what you’re good at! It’s OK to be honest with yourself about your proficiency. It’s especially helpful to notice what beneficial skills you have. And actually, if you’re mostly good at noticing what you’re not so good at, then at least you’re also good at noticing what you consider important to improve. If you didn’t consider it important, you would notice it. ;-)

• It might start with listing past accomplishments (of any kind). My memory is short. Yours may be too. But if you let yourself, I bet you can recall a wonderfully long list over time. Anything you’ve done, especially things you wanted to do that were beneficial to you or others, is a great thing to name.

• An accomplishments list might start with things that are easy for you, things you take for granted. It’s a good bet there are folks out there who would marvel at and envy your abilities. Easy accomplishments are still valid accomplishments!

I suppose it’s similar to those striving for likes and follows on social media. I see people talking about that. True empowerment isn’t cultivated by dependency on outer props. Still, an outer example of an inner reference point is helpful. Anytime we’re trying to learn something, seeing or in this case empathically feeling an example makes it easier to embody.

The aim is to truly embrace and integrate the value and validity of yourself until those external demonstrations are no longer “needed.” They’ll still happen. But your self-esteem doesn’t depend on it – which is liberating indeed. After all, real self-esteem is self-cultivated. It’s based on real, direct experience, not imagination or guesswork.

When someone validates and appreciates something about you, do your best in the moment to notice and agree – and mean it. It can feel weird at first. It did for me. Unless I really trusted someone, I automatically assumed they were up to no good. It took a bit to work around that in my head. But, with time and practice, instant shields and dismissals became a smiling, “Oh, thank you for noticing!” that can be warmly received. Eventually, you’ll relax into the recognition of the bona fide badass you are! And that’s awesome! With a little practice, we can all be total badasses together!

And if you’re willing, include in the comments things like the last compliment you received, or a skill, strength, or accomplishment. If only for practice. Trauma bonding can be comforting. But success bonding is a whole ‘nother level of cool.

If you found this post validating, I’d appreciate a like, comment, and/or share. And yes, that’s partly to know someone valued what I shared. It’s also to make it easier for others to find it as well. Thanks!